My out-of-the-body experiences

When did it happen?
Mostly, I am guessing, when I was aged 4-6 but may be up to about 9 years old. I strongly suspect the same happened before aged 4 too, because by 4 years old, the experience already seemed commonplace to me, but it’s hard to be sure.

What was the experience?
It usually happened when I was lying down, so probably asleep. I seemed to leave my body on the bed and float above it, seeing it below. Or to put it another way, I had two bodies: one unusually heavy and immobile one and a very light or weightless body that could ‘fly’. I did call it ‘flying’ but remember I was only 4 years old then.

Whilst ‘flying’, I was very much in the light body and at first could still sense the heavy body (associated with the body I could see below), but often I quickly became unaware of the feeling of the heavy body altogether. The end of the 'flying' seemed to coincide with an increasing focus on my heavy body, but I don’t remember thinking one caused the other: they just seemed to happen together.

Most often I stayed in my own room through anxiety about leaving my ‘other’ body behind and so only rarely ventured into the room next door. I don’t remember going anywhere else.

What caused it?
There seems to be a lot of theorising and experimentation, none of it conclusive. I tend towards it being a mental phenomena that we cannot explain yet, in the sense that the supernatural is only what we cannot yet explain scientifically. If we ever reach a scientific understanding of it, it will probably link to related phenomena such as ESP, remote viewing, etc. I am mildly curious about research in this field, but don’t set out to track it down.

What were the emotions?
The emotions I remember are elation; surprise followed by curiosity; and anxiety. Elation at being able to leave my usual body and move without it. Curiosity for the same reason. The anxiety was more complicated. I think this was caused by

- Uncertainty of whether I was alive or dead. Occasionally I was certain I was dead or at least believed that my body ‘was wrong’, as I put it in my childish way, or when I was older that my heart had stopped.

- The abnormality of what was happening: I could see my own body below and could move around above it. (When I was really young, I thought that that was what flying was.)

- The fear that I would not be able to return to my body and the world I knew (family, etc)

Regarding my heart stopping, I often had the feeling of abnormal heart rhythm (like a vibration or trill) whilst awake right through to my teens. Indeed I was diagnosed with a suspected heart murmur, in my late teens I think, that seemed to disappear as I got older. It was this abnormal heart rhythm that preceded the feeling that my heart had stopped altogether just before / during the out of-the-body-experience.

Coming to terms
At school in the early 1980s, I read some of Celia Green’s books, Lucid Dreams and Out-of-the-body Experiences, being the most relevant for me, plus others whose titles I have forgotten (one about seeing ‘visions’ and ‘ghosts’ may be). They were the first I had read that seemed to be aiming more at objectivity and scientific method than the supernatural or a religious explanation. I don’t remember them really explaining the phenomena to me (and I suspect we still can’t today). But they gave me a description that I recognised; a way of distinguishing the two; and, crucially, the knowledge that I was not the only one to experience this. This helped take a little of the weirdness out of them, especially as I had kept this to myself and told no one.

Interestingly, though, a recent conversation with a friend shows that the anxiety associated with the experience is still embedded in my memory somewhere. While she was describing a recent out-of the-body-experience that occurred in more traumatic circumstances, all the unresolved anxieties of my own experiences came flooding back, as if they were yesterday. Hopefully that will be cathartic in some way, though I can’t say it’s particularly important to my life now, one way or the other.

Conclusion
I would like to think that scribbling this down this adds to the record of out-of-the-body experiences and may be reassures someone else they are not the only one this happens too. I am happy to hear from others who have experienced similar.

non-haiku

What is a non-haiku?? Erm, i think just a 5-7-5 verse that has nothing to do with the original spirit of a haiku. Or altenatively, I have heard, one that gets the metric wrong. Like (being a non-haiku in both senses):

Saturday morning.
Time to spare. The pub is empty.
Let's get fish and chips.

Being and Nothingness (2)

So S. is saying that the absurdity begets anguish as it frustrates the human need for meaning. We then suppress the realisation of absurdity, so as to reduce the anguish.

But what if I choose to live with the absurdity and anguish, rather than fall back into dishonestly superimposing an arbitrarily chosen meaning on my life so that it 'makes sense'?

OK, that is a choice, but a choice to avoid a particular situation rather than a choice as to a grand schema I will live by in order to try and make life meaningful. And it seems entirely consistent with 'no excuses'.

And no, I don't see this as an academic issue. It is a real life issue, day by day, but mostly if and when you have got to the point of a reasonably easy existence (a home, food, emotional stability, whatever). E.g. can't say I thought a lot about it when I had nowhere to live.

Anrdrogyne - what is it?

Here is a post on Word Press by Satoruvash that captures (my view of) 'androgyne' wonderfully well, wih the initial definition drawing from Androgyny On-line. I identify with it totally. Except that I don't have the androgynous appearance in the last line, not these days anyhow!

"I am Androgyne
September 30, 2008 · 2 Comments
Androgyny is a State of Mind

Androgyne (pronounced AN-dra-jine) is the term used to describe persons who are androgynous. Androgyny, first and foremost, is a state of mind, not just an attitude or fashion statement. The notion that only androgynous-looking people can be or are androgynous is a misconception. Androgynes can be said to have the gender identity of both a man and a woman — or neither. Some identify with both traditional genders, while others see their identity as more of a synthesis and consider themselves to be agendered, as in “other” or “none of the above.”

I am Androgyne. Biologically, I am of one sex. Psychologically, I am neither masculine nor feminine. Most humans enter a room and identify kindred based on their sex. It binds them together. Conversely, when I enter a room I identify no more with those of my biological sex than I do with those of my opposite.

Masculinity and femininity are constructs to me. I understand them as I would any other type of construct, through observation and analysis. As such, they bear no relevance to me. I can be ‘one of the guys’ as easily as I can be ‘one of the girls’ only it is always a role to put on in the same manner as clothes. One can wear clothes, but at no point does one become the clothes. Although, it should be noted that I rarely choose to take on either of the binary genders. I find the act constricting, unnatural, and undesirable.

The human mind has a natural inclination to separate and group objects in an effort to understand. Objects A belong on the left and Objects B on the right. Men on the left and Women on the right. Manhood and womanhood are an important part of many people’s identity. It inescapably accompanies their every action and thought. Attempt to abolish the gap between them and the greater their proximity to each other, the greater the difficulty in understanding.

Nonetheless, if you superimpose masculinity with femininity, whilst difficult to relate to for the average person, they can at least envision a mixture of the two since they are already in possession of one. On the other hand, the concept of being devoid of the experience of masculinity or femininity usually results in a ‘does not compute’ error message. It is an understandable response. Humans relate to others and their environment through an inner comparison of their accumulated experiences. In a way, identifying as one gender or even both is almost as foreign to me as lacking gender is to those in possession of one or both.
I have always been Androgyne. Yet, it is only recently that I discovered there is a word for what I am and most importantly, that there are others like me. I am a 27 year old retired actor. Looking back, I realize the major appeal of acting for me is its inherent duality. You are at once yourself and the character you portray. Your character’s actions and words are simultaneously yours and not.

For most of humanity, personal identity is very linked to physical identity. It is not something the average person need consider. In my case, my physical body is not a manifestation of my psychological identity and vice versa.

If tomorrow my body were miraculously transformed into the opposite sex, it would be no more accurate a representation of me than my current one. This lack of consistency leads some Androgynes to adopt an androgynous physical appearance whether in attire or through surgery or both.

Perhaps this offers greater satisfaction to Androgynes that view themselves as both genders. For those that see themselves as neither gender, as I do, the experience may be less gratifying. Of course, this is not to dismiss its appeal. I have a sophisticated utilitarian sense of clothing style, and whilst I am identified as my biological sex the majority of the time, my appearance is androgynous enough to draw attention."

Die Gedulde der Rosa Luxemburg

Yes i did see it, about 1986, I guess. Subtitled no doubt. Twas in the the Lumiere cinema in St Martins Lane, one of those small, one-screen cinemas that don't seem to have survived in many places. It's a gym now I think. The film got me interested in her and I bought the Ettinger biography. Oddly, my sister produced it in a paperback edition shortly after and sent me a copy. She is still one of my fave historical figures I guess. Luxemburg, not my sister.

Hermann Hesse

Not sure I agree that Hesse's works resolve much at all. He does seem to pose the big existential questions in ways that draw the reader into asking them for herself - which can be powerful if she can draw also on her own resources. And the romansbildung is great for teenage soul-searching, with or without the angst, and may have attractions for adults into personal growth. But as for answers, I can find little.

I am always surprised when Siddhartha in particular is cited as anything approximating a philosophy, way of life or getting close to the meaning (or lack of meaning) of life. I like Hesse's novels and poems, but ultimately he just seems to be as lost as the next person.

Being and Nothingness

Strangely, I was talking about it to a friend last week who likes philosophy (more than me I think). We both confessed to abandoning B&N before the end. Well before the end. I am sure it is a classic and worth the effort if you can stick it out, but I just wasn't understanding enough and it was a case of rapidly diminishing returns. I never got to "Being and Doing: Freedom", much less "Doing and Having".

What I remember liking is the idea that there is a void, a nothingness at the core of existence. But I can get this a little easier from the Heart Sutra or the Buddhist idea that every 'thing' has a lack of inherent existence, 'emptiness' in some translations (without falling into the trap of nihilism).

So, if I ever feel the need, I will find an idiot's guide to Sartre and settle for that. In good faith of course.